An apology (of sorts)

I said it's too late to aplogiseeeeee. tooo latttteeeeee.
First up: I'm sorry.

I'm sorry to my incredibly few but very patient and loyal readers. To those who said "uh, Sara. Did you forget you had a blog?"

The short answer is "no." But the real answer is "sort of." You see, I let procrastination and slight self pity lead me down a road where the one thing I looked forward to and made me feel marginally productive (sharing my thoughts and hearing from others on this blog) became a mental chore.

Not all types of procrastination are bad.

Procrastination in most people is fine. It's in moderation. It's their brain's way of saying "hold on, I need a break to catch up." 

Procrastination is my brain's way of saying "I'm bored. Let me make everything as hard as possible for you. I know how much you like a challenge."

I'm one of those people who is a freaking powerhouse when I'm already busy. I love challenging deadlines. Give me a 9-5 with overtime and I'll add on regular gym classes, teach myself to cook, participate in an active social life, and take on more at work to boot. 

Give me free time with some small daily productive tasks (you know, like shower, clean up, and apply for a couple jobs. Maybe get into shape if I feel like it)? Well, I'll spend the whole day on Pinterest planning these things without ever actually doing them. I'll stay into my PJs until late afternoon (never all day though, I like showers). I may actually attempt some new hairstyles or do some laundry but as the days turn to weeks [turn to months] the less and less I'll do with the more time I've had to do it in. 

Self motivation is something I struggle with, always have and always will. I always assumed it was something that would get better with age, but now that I'm back in a familiar situation I find it has actually become worse. One thing I can say about it is that there is a silver lining. I do know the things that help, and what to avoid. Unfortunately I've chosen to ignore them a bit the past few months. I am just incredibly lucky that I've surrounded myself with people both strong enough and crazy enough to support me and let me find my own way both into and hopefully now out of this funk. 

I know this was a lot of rambling, and I'm sorry about that. I simply felt that I needed to explain the current state of my brain as explanation instead of an excuse. I procrastinated enough that I lost motivation, and I accept full responsibility.

So what's the current state of Give Me Cake (or give me death), you may ask?

Well, in lieu of a regular posting schedule (which I originally promised but never delivered) I think I'll do a couple different things. The first is to write enough posts that I can have an arsenal of back-ups to eventually re-launch GMC in the full glory it deserves. I am not a writer by trade, and inspiration is one of the few things I have that only comes when it's not forced. 

The only problem with this as a cure-all solution is sometimes I have thoughts and ideas that are more of a time-sensitive matter. For example: R and I are currently trying to get fit. We're eating healthier, and starting to do more active things together. Our deadline to meet goals is mid July, when we go for a friend's wedding in Croatia. My goal is to look better in a swimsuit and be able to walk/run/bike for even short distances without feeling like my chest will explode but honestly? I'd be happier with the former result than the latter in the short term. The current epidemic of body shaming that's going on is certainly not ok, but I'm having mixed feelings about the response it's getting. I couldn't pin down the uneasiness I felt until I read this post by September Farm. She hit the nail on the head. It was making me feel bad about my own goals. I want to look damn good in a swimsuit, and when I catch myself slouched over and resting my laptop on my poked out stomach I straight up don't feel good. I understand the intention of "all women are glorious" is pure, but at the same time I don't want to feel worse than I already do. But most of all? I need this creative outlet to talk about it. I want to know how my friends, family, and the blogosphere view body image and confidence and I want to know it now.

All of that to say that while I am not permanently back, I will be posting from time to time about things I think about and would love it if you all checked back occasionally or at least kept me in your Bloglovin/Feedly feeds for the time being. 

Anywho, onto the last bit. I'd apologise here for length, but if you're reading this I think you all have come to terms with my tendency for word-vomit and lengthy posts warranted or not. 

I'd like to know how you all handle self motivation, specifically if you have tips in the following categories: fitness, job applications (and rejections), and general bad-assery. Help me, and in turn I will find an awesome way to help you. That I can promise.