Confession Session: I don't like your kids.

Let me start off by admitting this: I was a little shit growing up, and in fact, I probably still am. I was the epitome of an only child. To say I was spoiled is a complete understatement-- I could fit in my Christmas stocking until I was 15, and it was always full. I didn't like to share, got very jealous, and had absolutely no imagination. I'd watch shows like Barney and anything on Nickelodeon and wonder how those kids were having so much fun. I had the doll and he certainly wasn't coming to life (thank God), and does that boy know he's just looking through a toilet paper tube? He must be insane if he thinks he's actually on that pirate ship. It was the job of my parents, babysitters, and even my parents friends to entertain me constantly. This isn't to say I didn't have any friends or get along with other kids, I had a best friend and all. The problem was that she was also an only child and equally if not more of a brat than I was. Therefore, not even socialising kicked my habits.

Fast forward to today, and I still suffer from the lack of imagination. So when I am in the company of children, I find it very difficult to relate. I can't just sit down for 20 minutes and keep them entertained, and it ends up being incredibly gruelling for me mentally. I don't have the patience for dress-up, I don't know any funny jokes, and I still am at a loss when they ask me "what should we do next?" I suppose this isn't actually the kids fault at all. The problem is that I'm still terrible at playing and having conversations about things other than current events. Being around children generally means that you've got to do those things, and, well, the kids are guilty by association I guess.

You know how pets only seem to be around non-pet lovers? The same goes for children. During college, I was actually paid to be a play-mate for a 3 year old who had a stay-at-home mother, live-in nanny, and her own wing of the mansion dedicated as a play room. On Tuesday and Thursday mornings I arrived, had breakfast made for me and then we were up to our own devices until lunch when I would get $60 and go on my way. All of this because one time when the family came into the restaurant I worked at, she gave me a hug on the way out. Seems like a dream job, right? Not for me. I actually dreaded those two days each week. They had a "no TV" rule and I'd rather be doing my homework or get dental work done with no insurance than keep this child entertained. After her birthday party (complete with a gift ROOM, multiple cakes, and ponies) I had two more offers for similar jobs because I let the non-social kids sit by me while I made sure the crazy ones didn't eat the poisonous berries from the bushes. When I actually felt like I'd throw up thinking about the prospect of accepting, I knew I needed to get the heck out of there.

There are always exceptions that prove the rule.

For one, I freaking love babies. Please, bring all your babies to me. Put a baby in my arms and I can entertain it for days. I'm a pro at funny faces and noises. Once it learns to talk though, you can have it back. My neighbour's little boy wears footie pyjamas and gets so excited about weather (snow, sun, you name it) that he regularly stands in their doorway in them jumping up and down and dancing. We can all agree thats adorable, I just have no interest in extending the friendship further.

Alternatively, it helps if the kid is more mentally grown up than I am. One of my best friends here has a 4 year old that I can talk to like an adult (minus the curse words, because I get scolded for them), she's pretty understanding when Auntie Sara has the "I'm over it" look and is happy playing by herself as long as I chime in once ever 5 minutes or so, and firmly told me once that when I asked if she had to go to the potty before bed that I was mistaken. "It's a toilet, Auntie Sara. Not a potty." Why yes, how silly of me. Carry on, child.

In the future, I definitely want kids. It's just that I'll need more than one and very close in age so they can entertain each other. I don't mind preparing Pinterest worthy activities for them as long as I won't have to actually participate. Ideally? Twins. I understand that I can't control that at all, but hey there's always adoption if my body doesn't cooperate.

Do you have any confessions that may make you seem cold hearted? I swear I'm not. Any tips on helping my stunted imagination this late in the game? 

*This was meant to be a link-up with Hump Day confessions, but I got distracted and forgot to hit "publish." So even though it's Thursday, I'll link up anyway. Thanks for understanding).*

Making Melissa

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